There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
