we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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