Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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