can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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