i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
