Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
