Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
