I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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