dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
