He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
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Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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