Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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