his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
