Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize