You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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