tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The air was thick with penises
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
