If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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