It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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