Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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