Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
