I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
