i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
