..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
