I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
