a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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