Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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