I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
