i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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