i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
