anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
