I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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