My Higher Power is John Stamos
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
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I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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