piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
