if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
