She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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