Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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