when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
