It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I party with great urgency now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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