I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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