We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
