i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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