i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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