apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
