is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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