I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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