I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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