I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
