So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he shaved USA in his pubs
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
