what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
