this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
