how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
