I wish I could punch you in the face.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
