One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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