Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
