how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
