Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
