I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
