well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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